Last Night…

I went through your work last night. Yeah, all your writings there.  From the first to the last. You’re right, the melody to this song is good:

But you know that wasn’t my reason. Yes, I was stalking. Looking for those entries about us. I wanted to remember the feeling. The good times. And the bad. What draws me to you. Why I chose you…

You bursts of energy brings me joy. Just looking at you being yourself. It makes me smile. In the past, we could talk there were many things that could bring that spark in your eye.

And I became boring. Predictable. Self-absorbed.

Since her demise, the Tower of Solitude was my solace. Away from everyone else. The silence help calm the chaos within. The peace above and away from the hurt and the pain.

How I saw myself. How I defined “me” was lost. Slowly it vanished and I only followed the flow. Sedentary. Aimless. Nothing excite me. When I met you, this was my mental home.

But solitude soon turn to isolation. I knew that was not good for me. Yet this tower is safe. It was quiet. Ironic how the silence became deafening. Yes, you helped me out as I stepped out. Yes, you were hurt when I withdrew back there. You gave me comfort and warmth in the cold surrounding. You gave me companionship when I was lonely. I have not regretted my decision – my choice. In fact it hurts me as well when I cannot give you what you gave me in my isolation.

Last night it dawned upon me: I’m not returning to that Tower. I haven’t been for a while now.

When I shut my eyes, I see the House that gave me meaning. I see the house that I lived in when times were better. When fear, anxiety and sadness were not so close.

The sun rays shine through the tall windows. As I push them open, the breeze dances in bringing in the smell and sound of Spring into this home I left so long ago. It stirs the dust from the furniture coverings. Slowly I pass from room to room. The figures from my memory passes me by. Some running cross the hallway.

Finally there I stand. The doors of my Study. I reach to open the gateway to what was once my Safe Room. I peer in through the opening.

Books lining the shelves reaching the high ceiling. The paintings, portraits and pictures of yesteryear smile like the magical ones in Hogwarts. And I see myself in the mirror above the grand fireplace. Moving slowly I approach the Desk. It has been a long time since it felt plans and dreams taking form on it. From the desk, I have the vantage point of the Estate. More importantly, I have the horizon before me. Endless possibilities.

When I finally take command of this House, you know some things changed. I do want you beside me; but not when we keep on taking jibes at each other. You are my deliberate choice for companionship.

You are going through your own journey of self discovery. You’re taking decisions you never had to take before. You’re standing there confidently. And I am proud of you. To leave your shell – your own tower – is not easy. But the pincers can be painful.

When I look at you today against the person who wrote those things, I see a maturing person. As much as I try to be the man you want, I can’t. I think you know that as well. Where ever I can, I try to support you. If you need ways and openings, I’d be glad to point you towards that direction. You do not want me to tell you; I get it long ago. So I keep my silence.

But is the silence what you want? No. However at where we are, silence is the only way we can really enjoy each others company.

We are different. We’ve been trying to work things out between us. And I don’t want to lose you. At the same time, I do not want to be your source of pain. In the time we were together, I try to avoid what you dislike so much that it corroded the definition of our relationship. Most of the time, I don’t feel needed. Not anymore.

I miss the smile and hear the laughter. I want to wipe away the tears. Hug you to keep you safe. To hear your excitement when I introduced something new – like that mushroom soup in bread bowl.

Have we really drifted that far apart? Yes, you know me. But do I still know you? I know the many don’ts at least.

Do you believe that there is a future for both of us?