Communications. Human behaviour. Emotions. Beliefs. These are facets of humankind which fascinates me. In almost 30 years, I’ve had the privilege of experiencing joy, anger, sadness, remorse, hate, love, and other feelings. However in 2008, my feelings betrayed me. The disastrous first relationship robbed me of what I could have.
For years since August 31st, 2008, I’ve looked back and questioned myself: Am I good enough? Seeing the convocations of my former coursemates, I felt jealous, ashamed, and resentment.
But I was given a second chance. Over and over again after different tragedies, I am blessed to found a second chance.
When it comes to relationships, I was not so lucky. At least until we broke up in August 2016 – after 3 years 3 months when I made the decision to dump you.
I’ve told you on that fateful day, though I may not react to your posts, I still checked up on you. You were surprised by how I found that photo of you drinking in class. Even though from September 1st, 2016, I couldn’t send you messages on either Whatsapp or Facebook. It was not the first time I could not send you a message on Whatsapp; it’s happened before. Earlier this year I made the mistake of intruding your space; I was worried, and being nearby I thought I’d check up on you with some coffee.
“What do you want? I’m busy.”
I continued followed you. Yes, I missed the Sing! invitation; that week was a hectic week for me. And still is. I’m hoping to take a breather soon.
Yeah, I read your entries as well. I wanted to know how you are coping. I read one but missed the earlier one. I wanted to react earlier. But I didn’t want to rush to conclusions and write out something I’m going to regret.
After I read the earlier post, I was more disappointed. I took the decision to dump you. It does not mean I do not think about you. I should have known better, the little things are insignificant. What kept us together all those years were the little things: random kisses, coffee, and my little way to show my affection for you. Like your feelings, what we had is real to me too. I admit that I failed in my communication: thus our arguing and dwindling common topics. But isn’t communication a two way street?
My intention in writing this entry is not to attack you or defend you. I mean what I said before: in April 2013, I am happy with the choice I made. In August 2016, I had to make the choice to preserve whatever good things we had from deteriorating further.
I’m sorry that after I left, you were mocked. Didn’t I apologise after you told me? Then again it’s only via Whatsapp when I should have called like how I did on your birthday.
The promise I made with you when we started those years ago was I hope that our relationship would grow organically. That you would grow as a person, in character, and in all aspects of life. I did not want to force the change. When I said that, I meant it should be because you wanted it. Yes, I’ve said that I tried to help; clearly my assistance was neither good nor sufficient.
While you and others around me evolved, I needed to solve my own personal problems. You know my need for interdependence. And so I chose to accept “a nice title on a new and fancy business card, fat salary, a new city…”
Olaf. Why Olaf?
Effectively Olaf is yours. He always have been. When you do decide to return the things, please help Olaf find a deserving home. You know Olaf better than me. Your friend’s right: you should not let me, or the memories of us, hold you back. You are strong. You always are.
Found another one? You know as much as I do that is impossible. Like you in the past, I’ve retreated into my version of Rapunzel’s tower where it’s safe. Not just for me but for everyone.
For months now I could not make you smile or laugh. As much as I’d like to take back those words I said in August, I cannot make you really happy. I cannot fulfill you. You and I both know that. Will there be another chance for us? I don’t know; but I think you know the answer. You already said it yourself.
You deserve someone better. He’s out there somewhere. When I do catch a glimpse of you after you’ve completely removed me from your life, I hope to see that spark in your eyes once again when you’re with him.
As for me, I will continue to cherish our 39 months together. You were beside me when my world collapsed. Unfortunately I am not while yours is. For that, and for the hurt I caused, I am sorry. But no matter how much I mean it, ‘sorry’ is not going to fix anything.
You ARE the nicest, sweetest, most generous, selfless, romantic, and heartiest person I know as well. You deserve someone who is better than me.